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author, speaker, bible teacher
about
Laurie
I’m Laurie, a “before and after" story. My life changed forever when I learned my baby would die. I've experienced surreal and intense grief, but also the intimate, infinite, healing love of God. I am proof that blessings come through suffering and want others to know that God is good—even when the news is not.
Laurie's Story
It was the Thursday before Christmas, December 22nd, 2005, in my hometown of Colorado Springs. I was thirty-seven years old and just shy of twenty weeks pregnant with my fifth child. I’d asked my doctor for special permission to have the gender-revealing sonogram a little early: it’d be “my Christmas present to me,” I had told him, to learn if my baby was a boy or a girl. So, with my husband, mother, and four adorable children—ages nine, eight, six, and three—I excitedly entered that small, dark room I remember so well.
Sooner than expected, we learned God had blessed us with another boy. My daughter started crying—she’d been so earnestly praying for a sister. But then the room became strangely silent. When the ultrasound tech said she wanted the doctor “to see something,” I felt in my gut something wasn’t right. But I never would have imagined I’d hear the words my doctor would eventually say….
My humble offerings...
Help and Hope as You Heal
Grief can feel incredibly lonely. I’m here to come alongside you as you journey, continually pointing you to the heart of our Father.
First...
Receive seven days of consoling truth & healing love through my free e-devotional “Mourning Glory"
Next...
Stay in touch to receive encouragement and inspiration through my e-newsletter “Grief, Grace, and God"
And Soon...
Listen to or apply to be a guest on my new podcast “Once Upon a Tear: Stories of Loss, Lament, and Love"
My Background
In addition to what I have learned from personal experience with grief, loss, and the grace and love of God, I've been studying the Bible with many respected teachers for over thirty years. I have led or facilitated many Bible Studies and small groups, created my own grief groups, and written and taught my own studies and classes.
I hold a Bachelor's degree in Journalism from the University of Colorado at Boulder and am currently pursuing a Master's degree in Biblical and Theological Studies at Denver Seminary. I am trained in Narrative Focused Trauma Care Level I through The Allender Center in Seattle and am a Certified Grief Educator through world-renowned grief expert David Kessler's certificate program.
The older I get, the more I love to learn—and believe there is to learn—from any person, animal, or way God may choose to teach me. And my Father's world, as the song goes, is my favorite classroom: how I love learning through his birds, trees, sunrises, and storms. I believe “the whole earth is full of his glory" and desire to live this side of heaven with a humble, worshipful heart that sees and hears glimpses (Isaiah 6:3).
I appreciate that you are here. If you have any questions for me, please don't hesitate to ask.
A LITTLE BIT MORE
about my bigger faith journey and grief story...
As a little girl, I loved animals, sports, reading books...
…playing with friends, and writing in my pink, five-year diary. My earliest memory of my relationship with my heavenly Father, in fact, is starting my diary entries, “Dear God….”
My favorite books were Charlotte's Web…
…and Where the Red Fern Grows, and when I grew up I wanted to become a veterinarian or television news or sports anchor.
But more than anything, from about the age of twelve, I wanted to be a mom.
In my early twenties, I moved to Los Angeles to become...
…an actress, but God had different plans. He provided a wonderful church, prayer group, and Bible Study, as well as faithful solace in my heartbreaks. I began…
...spending more and more time alone with him, by candlelight in the morning and on walks through my neighborhood.
In the next eight years, God graciously blessed us...
…with four unique and adorable gifts. Life was wonderfully full—of course hard at times…
...but I was living my dream of being a wife and mom.
Yet with prayers being offered all around the world...
…our baby’s heart kept beating, and he was born full term. I was overjoyed to be…
…with all five kids. And then, about five hours later, my darling Ben died in my arms.
But God carried me through it all, and even much more. I'm still...
…amazed by the ways Jesus showed He was with me, proving his words again and again: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Every year at Ben’s gravesite, our family has had a birthday party, celebrating Ben’s life.
Buffy was my first beloved dog.
I remember waking up one morning, and she had died. Later on at school the nurse called my mom, saying I was crying in her office and needed to go home.
My senior year of college, my precious childhood dog Muffin was hit by a car and died.
Not only was I heartbroken, but I felt responsible. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.
I remember crying for three days.
And then, on a mission trip to Mexico with the singles group...
…at church, I met a rare and special gentleman. We both loved sports, loved and wanted to honor God, and loved the idea of having (many) children.
I couldn't have been more excited about our life and future together.
But when I was pregnant with our fifth, we learned our baby...
…had conditions “incompatible with life” and would die any day. My world was completely rocked…
...and I needed God like I never had before.
Giving my baby to a nurse, being wheeled out of the hospital…
…without my beloved son, choosing a casket and flowers for my sweet Ben’s funeral…
...these were some of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Today, my precious kids are all grown up...
…my daughter has gotten married, and on my husband’s and my 30th Wedding Anniversary an incredible gift arrived: my daughter’s baby girl—and our first grandchild!
Through all the years and tears, including very sad deaths...
…of two more beloved dogs and one of my dearest friends, I’ve learned I’m held in God’s arms—always have been, always will be. I’m thankful my grief journey revealed an even greater love story…
…and as I desire to know, love, and trust God more, I hope to help others find themselves in their own love story, too.
“You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.”
Psalm 30:11-12
My Theology of Babies Who Have Died
- Our awesome Creator God made humans to be physical (“the dust of the ground”) and spiritual (“the breath of life”) beings (Genesis 2:7).
- Our eternal God sees us even before conception, and it is He Who miraculously makes us in our mother’s womb. Our omniscient God has foreknowledge of when our created life will begin as well as when it will end (Psalm 139:13-16; Isaiah 55:8-9).
- Amazingly, even before God makes us, He knows us and has a plan for us (Jeremiah 1:5).
- Based on the example of cousins John the Baptist and Jesus, unborn children can recognize their Maker and Lord and even experience joy (Luke 1:41-44).
- Based on the words of King David after his infant son died, we will be reunited with our babies in heaven; and furthermore, we “will dwell in the house of the LORD forever” (2 Samuel 12:18-23; Ps. 23:6).
- Mysteriously, “little ones” each have an angel in heaven who always sees the face of God (Matthew 18:10).
- In the new heavens and new earth (yet to come), there will be no crying and no babies dying. Children will live long and blessed lives. There will be no more death or mourning or pain; Jesus will make everything new (Is. 65:17, 19-20, 22-23; Revelation 21:4-5; Mark 12:27).
- Jesus made a special point to let everyone know he wanted babies and children to come to him…that the kingdom of heaven belongs to “such as these.” He then accentuated his point by saying that anyone who would not receive the kingdom of God like a little child would never enter it. Clearly, babies and children are held by Jesus in the highest esteem (Luke 18:15-17).
- This side of heaven, there will inevitably be unknowns. Especially regarding our baby in the mysterious places of the womb and the afterlife, we will undoubtedly have questions that will have to remain unanswered. (How will I know my baby in heaven? Will he “grow up” in heaven, like in earthly years? Will she recognize me?) But amidst these heartfelt questions, we can trust that God’s love never fails. Now we only know “in part;” in heaven we will “know fully.” God’s love will surround us for eternity, and even now it can blanket us, providing comfort and peace until the answers to our deepest questions come (1 Corinthians 13:8-13; Ecclesiastes 11:5).
- No matter the circumstances of our pregnancy—no matter the delight or distress we may feel—God sees us through eyes of perfect love and knows us by name. When we feel most alone, we ought not be surprised if our living God finds us, inviting us into relationship with Him. Just like He has a plan for our baby within, He has a plan for us, too, within His sovereign love. God’s ways may not always make sense to us (as they very likely did not to Hagar), but we can trust His plan is best and follow where He leads (Gen. 16:7-11, 13-16).
Walking through your own valley of the shadow? Longing for healing light?
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